Open Letter to Tim Tebow's Penis

Dear Tim Tebow's Penis,

Dude, you have no idea what you're missing. Seriously. In the spectrum of desired celebrity athlete penises, you rank pretty damn high near the top. I mean, it must have dawned on you in college when all those co-ed hands were grabbing for you during football season and beyond. Yet your owner, he of the religious and moral convictions that are stronger than oak, decided to keep you safely tucked away as if you were bound in shrink wrap and delivered from the penis factory five years too early. Tim Tebow's Penis was not open for business and he made that perfectly clear to everyone with a vagina, much to your chagrin.

Case in point. Even when Tim's Denver Broncos teammates shaved his head to look like Friar Tuck, chicks were still pining for your glorious presence. But sadly, it was to no avail. You are still off-limits, which is a bummer; I hear Denver chicks are loose because most of them moved west after college to discover themselves. And everyone knows that when a girl wants to 'discover herself' it really means she wants to 'set a personal record for most strangers banged in a single fiscal quarter'.

I guess my only advice to you, Tim Tebow's Penis, is to have patience my friend. Once Tim finally reveals you to the world, there's going to be an avalanche of activity coming your way. I would imagine he doesn't really work you out very much by himself, so frankly you might be out of shape. Chafing could also be an issue. I'm assuming that Jesus has not personally approved condom use for Tim, so that could actually play to your advantage because condoms suck.

Speaking of suck, boy are you in for a treat. I hope you have a fantabulous coming-out-party. See what I did there?

Lengthily yours,

Jose Brando